So the other day I heard:
Be A Lert
The Country Needs Lerts.
So I decided to become one.
Lerts are characterised by very strange behaviour around other people and especially members of the opposite sex that are quite attractive.
In my case the victim of my inept behaviour is Muscle Guy, who works in my building. I've been introduced to him once which means that each time he crosses my path he is subject to my seriously ackward conversation.
Or lack of it.
Exhibit A: At the gym.
The other day I was there early for a Please-Shape-My-Body-Like-Madonna training session with my Body Shaper teacher. He basically makes me do lots of muscle exercices, sit on torture-like muscle machines and make a general fool of myself ("Ok Evie, I see 3 kilos is a bit too heavy, let's take it down to 0.5").
Anyway he sat me down on this horrid machine that spreads your tighs wide open and you are supposed to exercise by bringing them back together. Needless to say it looks totally un-sexy.
And of coure at that exact moment Muscle Guy walks by me. Goddammit! So I had no other option that just pretend to be super absorbed by the machine and stare ahead of me inhaling-exhaling very heavily with the effort. I mean, I was not going to look him in the eye with my thighs spread wide open and go "Hey Muscle Guy, nice to see you again ,Happy New Year, how are you, come here often?". The worst is that a few moments later my Body Shaper teacher took me to work in the same area of the gym where Muscle Guy was working out with his Body Shaper teacher (aha now I know how he gets his dream body). But I did not manage to say Hi once again because each time one of us was in a big series of abs/pushups/kickboxing rounds and it was not appropriate to say hi. Well that was ackward.
Exhibit B: With 2 biscuits stuffed inside my mouth.
A few days later I was determined to make up for my Social Inadequacy with Muscle Guy at the next opportunity I met him. The Opportunity did come but I missed it. I was running out of the building to go to the gym, and I had grabbed two whole oatcakes which I crammed in my mouth because 1. I was hungry and needed the energy for the gym and 2. because I had nowhere else to hold them having a handbag, a gym bag, an ipod to carry and at the same time texting my friend C on my mobile. Anyway, I was standing there waiting for the elevator and guess who turns up next to me also waiting for the lift? Yup you guessed it, Muscle Guy! And he said "Hi". And what did I say? Well NOTHING because my mouth was still stuffed with 2 whole oatcakes, and the sneeky buggers take an eternity to swallow. So all I said was "Grrmmpppff" while pointing at my mouth apologetically.