Wednesday, 25 July 2007

Episode 21: The music-box heart

When I was a little girl I had one of those pink musical jewellery boxes. When you opened it a ballerina in a tutu would pop up and start rotating to the pretty music. I am thinking of this as I recently read a quote that goes something like this:

"The heart is like a music box whose mechanism requires lots of care so that it may continue its song".

It may sound a bit cheesy, but it actually makes sense. I think many of us have an inner struggle between the head (the rational) and the heart (the sentimental). Sometimes people forget about the heart-bit, totally neglect it, and then it becomes more difficult for the heart to express itself. In my case, I have been taught from an early age to only listen to and only show the "head" bit; if things got tough I'd show the robust Evie side who can cope with everything. If someone would say something bad or upsetting I would not question it or voice how it made me feel, I would rather swallow it up and "show" I did not care whereas deep inside the hurt would continue to burn. . So it meant I was a bit like a clam, tightly shut, with lots of insecurities and unexpressed things bottled up whizzing inside.

I learned to open up a bit eventually, but yet still today I lead my life listening only to the head most of the time. I think this year though is the year I am learning to open up the communication canal to my heart, and starting to listen to it more. For instance, my decisions to:

- take a mini break from the career ladder to travel a bit (albeit it is super short it is still revolutionary for rational me),
- leave Le Poulet with whom the relationship was only satisfactory for the head, not the heart,

all these are a way to listen to what I WANT to do rather than SHOULD do and it feels darn good.

This blog is also on part of the effort to attempt to understand better what is in me, rather than just stick with the rational image I am projecting to the world and I myself confuse with the real me (I don't mean I have multiple personality disorders, I just mean I don't open up enough to know always what is deep inside).

So coming back to the music box idea, I am now taking care of the fragile mechanism inside, so that the music can continue to play.

(Had I tried, I would not have been able to write anything cheesier in the previous sentence, and I promise Idid not just swallow a whole space muffin full of happy herbs, I just feel this way today from the heart and am expressing it for once, HA! ;).

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