Tuesday, 21 August 2007

Episode 26: The Baby dream

The Baby dream is back. I had one a few months ago, and last week I had it again, leaving me with exactly the same weird feeling when waking up.
The dream always starts with me suddenly having given birth to a baby. I don't think the giving birth actually is shown in the dream, I just suddenly have my new born in my arms, and I just stare at it. And here comes the scary bit: I look at this being, maybe breast feed it, but I feel no emotion what so ever. I actually wish I never had it.
In last week's dream, I even called the baby Molly, a name I don't particularly like, which just shows it's the first thing that crossed my mind and I could not be bothered to care any more or do more naming research.
These dreams are really scary, as they seem to be challenging the mother instinct every woman should develop upon giving birth to a child. It really makes me worried that I have this total lack of emotion. I am not sure what it means. Either the dream is showing me that ifd I had a child I would be incapable of loving it (?). Or maybe on the contrary to show me how absurd it is of me to think I would be totally insensitive to having a child, ie showing the worst case scenario just to make me realise it's not possible. It reminds me of the dancing baby which keeps apprearing in the Ally Mc Beal TV show, and now I totally get what that was about.
And I know that the reason these dreams keep coming back is because I am at a point in my life where I need to think about what direction I want to take: do I want to be an endless wonderer/traveller, refusing to settle down or get seriously involved with the men-folk anymore. Or do I want to meet Mister Right, have a Marriage, followed by a Mortgage, and then a Family. Or maybe I want to be a Career Woman, forgetting about Settling Down and Families at least for the next 5-10 years, after which I will maybe have the optiopn to adopt children (as I would be too old to have some of my own I think).
Any of these options are possible for me, and that is confusing. At least with Le Poulet things were easier as he was anti-marriage, anti-children, and I thought I was ok with that (as with everything else in my relationship with him, I would just accept stuff and never open my heart and listen to what it had to say on the subject). I never had this need to have children and to be honest I have always believed I was too immature and unable to cope with life myself to take on the responsibility. But now, as I am nearing my 30's, I get more and more totally gaga in front of babies and I think that maybe I can hear the sound of the biological clock ticking, and maybe one morning I will wake up having decided having children is definitely something I want to do one day.
Or maybe not.


Cosima said...

How about wanting/getting it all: baby, wanderings, career, Mr. Right...

It's not impossible, I hear, but don't ask me how :)... still trying.

Charles in HK said...

Cosima: you dont think it's possible to have it all? Your blog makes your life sound so grand!

Evie: when I first read the post I thought it read that you had a baby a few months ago... whoa!

Maybe the baby doesnt represent having a baby... maybe it represents your relationship with Le Poulet coming to an end? Just thinking!

Evie said...

Yeah maybe the grass is always greener on the other side, and it's more about making use and enjoying what one has, rather than dreaming of what could have.. But Cosima I am not sure all options are always compatible. Charles, hmm very interesting point, you sound a bit like Freud and I think you may be on to something..