Entry from Sunday Oct 7th, 22.17 pm:
"I hate him. I am not a deeply emotional & passionate person, but at the moment the strength of my hatred is so strong it could instantly kill someone on the spot, like a strike of lightening.
I guess I am going through the normal stages of emotion necessary to deal with things: denial, bargaining, anger, acceptance. Denial, yes, big time. For a long time I pretended (to myself) I could get over it in a flash. Bargaining, also yes, I was thinking it's ok, if we don't see each other too much, I will be fine, etc etc. But now am angry as hell, violently.
What right does he have to destroy our relationship? How can he cause so much deception? I am thoroughly disappointed in him. For a long time I had telling myself that despite his 'disclaimers' on our relationship warning me how he was unable to fully get attached to anyone, I was certain we had something. Despite the 70% of the relationship which was shallow, one-way oriented (from me to him), despite the feeling being wrong a lot fo the time, we were also extraordinarily compatible and we had something that most people spend a lifetime looking for.
On the plus side, I will have learned a lot, matured quite a bit. It's the last time I invest so much of myself to please a man. It's the last I put someone else's needs before mine (which sounds obvious but sometimes you have to learn the hard way). It's the last time I don't listen to the little voices inside giving me warning signals, that have been there since the beginning. It's the last time I let my heart be ripped open, broken to pieces, and then chewed on some more.
Clearly, he did not deserve me. I had so much to give, and he just took it all, swallowed it up without even a burp of something in return.
What a waste of energy. Sometimes it takes away all my sense of pride, self confidence, joy, emergy or love that is left. Sometimes it leaves me feeling empty, cluthing at the mess that used to be my heart."
For the record, this was written last night and like they say "tomorrow is another day" and my feelings are much less dark today, thank God.