I realise the other night was weird. When you and the others left my place I felt I would have wanted you to stay. I have no idea what exactly that meant, what I wanted really, all I knew was that I wanted to continue chatting with you. So on an impulse, I sent you that text, saying it would have been nice if you had stayed. I was aware that had we not drunk all that wine I would not have expressed this.
You immediately replied that you had had the same thought, but that somehow it was late (it was dawn) and you were already home. I am glad you said that, had you come back to mine I probably would have changed my mind at the last minute, and in anycase you were right it was too late. You asked what I was doing the rest of the week end.
So then I panicked, and totally backtracked and said I was too busy the rest of the week end to meet up - I was too freaked out to imagine what wheels I had started to put in motion.
I must have confused you sending these mixed signals, the text first followed by some vigorous backtracking.
We get on like a house on fire, we have long chats about life, love, everything and nothing, and we share a lot of laughs. I've told you things I have not mentioned to my other closest friends out here. I don't know if I like you for just that, for the friendly connection we have. Or if the feelings are more than that. I know that at the end of the day you are looking for something serious, whereas I am incapable of giving my heart to anyone at the moment. I don't even know if you think you may have some feelings for me too. I have no self confidence whatsoever when it comes to these things. Plus I am wondering, am I just needing a presence in my life and not being discerning about who it is?
The situation is thus a bit weird. I wonder if you are going to get in touch soon about it. That text I sent you was me crossing that friendship line first. And I don't have the guts, determination, or clarity to continue walking behind that line. I feel I need a signal from you. But even then, I am not even sure about that. Maybe it's better we stay as we are, crossing the friendship line would be useless and make us lose that friendship for good, what if it is not worth it?
Or perhaps we should go with the flow and see what happens.