Some Wild Things happening in life at the moment:
- Spent the morning in a hospital today following a malaria scare. Turns out I do NOT have malaria in the end (yayyyy) just a creepy flu (booooh)
- Am attempting to post on a Thai version of Blogger, it's really hard to remember what words are hidden behind the squiggles, a real Internet Adventure.
- I may have sort of accidentally, potentially, subtly found a Relationship Sorbet (remember how a normal sorbet cleanses your palate of your previous dish, well relationship sorbet is the same but it cleanses your old relationship. More about that later, I will need to analyse a bit more the situation..
Incidentally am meeting Le Poulet very shortly for the first time since we broke up. I was really dreading this until a few weeks ago but it seems since I had the baby dream I am much more cool about it, which probably does mean I have accepted the end of the relationship in the end. But maybe when I see LP again I will totally break down proving the theory wrong, time will tell.
Wednesday, 29 August 2007
Tuesday, 21 August 2007
Episode 26: The Baby dream
The Baby dream is back. I had one a few months ago, and last week I had it again, leaving me with exactly the same weird feeling when waking up.
The dream always starts with me suddenly having given birth to a baby. I don't think the giving birth actually is shown in the dream, I just suddenly have my new born in my arms, and I just stare at it. And here comes the scary bit: I look at this being, maybe breast feed it, but I feel no emotion what so ever. I actually wish I never had it.
In last week's dream, I even called the baby Molly, a name I don't particularly like, which just shows it's the first thing that crossed my mind and I could not be bothered to care any more or do more naming research.
These dreams are really scary, as they seem to be challenging the mother instinct every woman should develop upon giving birth to a child. It really makes me worried that I have this total lack of emotion. I am not sure what it means. Either the dream is showing me that ifd I had a child I would be incapable of loving it (?). Or maybe on the contrary to show me how absurd it is of me to think I would be totally insensitive to having a child, ie showing the worst case scenario just to make me realise it's not possible. It reminds me of the dancing baby which keeps apprearing in the Ally Mc Beal TV show, and now I totally get what that was about.
And I know that the reason these dreams keep coming back is because I am at a point in my life where I need to think about what direction I want to take: do I want to be an endless wonderer/traveller, refusing to settle down or get seriously involved with the men-folk anymore. Or do I want to meet Mister Right, have a Marriage, followed by a Mortgage, and then a Family. Or maybe I want to be a Career Woman, forgetting about Settling Down and Families at least for the next 5-10 years, after which I will maybe have the optiopn to adopt children (as I would be too old to have some of my own I think).
Any of these options are possible for me, and that is confusing. At least with Le Poulet things were easier as he was anti-marriage, anti-children, and I thought I was ok with that (as with everything else in my relationship with him, I would just accept stuff and never open my heart and listen to what it had to say on the subject). I never had this need to have children and to be honest I have always believed I was too immature and unable to cope with life myself to take on the responsibility. But now, as I am nearing my 30's, I get more and more totally gaga in front of babies and I think that maybe I can hear the sound of the biological clock ticking, and maybe one morning I will wake up having decided having children is definitely something I want to do one day.
Or maybe not.
The dream always starts with me suddenly having given birth to a baby. I don't think the giving birth actually is shown in the dream, I just suddenly have my new born in my arms, and I just stare at it. And here comes the scary bit: I look at this being, maybe breast feed it, but I feel no emotion what so ever. I actually wish I never had it.
In last week's dream, I even called the baby Molly, a name I don't particularly like, which just shows it's the first thing that crossed my mind and I could not be bothered to care any more or do more naming research.
These dreams are really scary, as they seem to be challenging the mother instinct every woman should develop upon giving birth to a child. It really makes me worried that I have this total lack of emotion. I am not sure what it means. Either the dream is showing me that ifd I had a child I would be incapable of loving it (?). Or maybe on the contrary to show me how absurd it is of me to think I would be totally insensitive to having a child, ie showing the worst case scenario just to make me realise it's not possible. It reminds me of the dancing baby which keeps apprearing in the Ally Mc Beal TV show, and now I totally get what that was about.
And I know that the reason these dreams keep coming back is because I am at a point in my life where I need to think about what direction I want to take: do I want to be an endless wonderer/traveller, refusing to settle down or get seriously involved with the men-folk anymore. Or do I want to meet Mister Right, have a Marriage, followed by a Mortgage, and then a Family. Or maybe I want to be a Career Woman, forgetting about Settling Down and Families at least for the next 5-10 years, after which I will maybe have the optiopn to adopt children (as I would be too old to have some of my own I think).
Any of these options are possible for me, and that is confusing. At least with Le Poulet things were easier as he was anti-marriage, anti-children, and I thought I was ok with that (as with everything else in my relationship with him, I would just accept stuff and never open my heart and listen to what it had to say on the subject). I never had this need to have children and to be honest I have always believed I was too immature and unable to cope with life myself to take on the responsibility. But now, as I am nearing my 30's, I get more and more totally gaga in front of babies and I think that maybe I can hear the sound of the biological clock ticking, and maybe one morning I will wake up having decided having children is definitely something I want to do one day.
Or maybe not.
Wednesday, 15 August 2007
Episode 25: Mid-Trip Analysis
Well well well, it seems like it was years ago I was posting on this blog, back in London, having no idea what to expect on my mini Tour of Asia and Self Discovery trip. In the past few weeks, I have:
- seen some incredible places (in terms of people, cultures, foods, scenery, art)
- managed to conquer a little my fear of being myself and not daring to meet other people. As a matter of fact I have managed to meet a whole bunch of them. Not thousands, but enough to prove to myself that I am a sociable person deep within
- gotten used to being by myself and feeling quite comfortable with it
- taken the chance to think about Important Stuff like my relationship with Le Poulet, my career, family, friends and direction in life.
And there are also many reasons I am the worst traveller in the world:
- the time I safely locked my bag with a padlock only to realise the key was INSIDE THE BAG. D'oh moment..
- the time I decided to cut accross some rice paddies as a "short cut" with a 15 kg backpack on my back and then ended up sinking ankle deep into the mud unble to move backwards or forwards. ("What on earth am I doing here" moment)
- the time I nearly started crying because the tuk tuk driver took me to the wrong place in an attempt to get more money out of me (by no means a scary moment, just a moment where I felt like a totally unadventurous big sissy).
- the time I decided to order something exotic and strange sounding on a bar menu and ended up with a bog standard bottle of water! (funny moment).
I can not believe I am only half way into the trip, looking forward to embrace the next round of adventures (still deciding on which country to go next, hmmm).
- seen some incredible places (in terms of people, cultures, foods, scenery, art)
- managed to conquer a little my fear of being myself and not daring to meet other people. As a matter of fact I have managed to meet a whole bunch of them. Not thousands, but enough to prove to myself that I am a sociable person deep within
- gotten used to being by myself and feeling quite comfortable with it
- taken the chance to think about Important Stuff like my relationship with Le Poulet, my career, family, friends and direction in life.
And there are also many reasons I am the worst traveller in the world:
- the time I safely locked my bag with a padlock only to realise the key was INSIDE THE BAG. D'oh moment..
- the time I decided to cut accross some rice paddies as a "short cut" with a 15 kg backpack on my back and then ended up sinking ankle deep into the mud unble to move backwards or forwards. ("What on earth am I doing here" moment)
- the time I nearly started crying because the tuk tuk driver took me to the wrong place in an attempt to get more money out of me (by no means a scary moment, just a moment where I felt like a totally unadventurous big sissy).
- the time I decided to order something exotic and strange sounding on a bar menu and ended up with a bog standard bottle of water! (funny moment).
I can not believe I am only half way into the trip, looking forward to embrace the next round of adventures (still deciding on which country to go next, hmmm).
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